I felt like preaching tonight apparently...

Sometimes it's hard to think about and accept that I am righteous to God. I look inside myself and see only the piles of dirt that I have acquired to go with my name. All I do seems to be for me. Gaining more and more to build up my own empire of Joeldom. I'm not even sure what that really means. But I have to constantly remind myself that, even right now when I am living mostly for me, God sees the real me that He has claimed and given life to. He sees the me that is so hard for me to see, because I'm looking with the eyes that can see in only three dimensions. I can only see and understand the selfish side of love most of the time. And when I can see more than that, it's only a glimpse. This all baffles and confounds me. I sometimes think that I have made sense out of God's grace in my life, but then at the same time I find myself still trying to do things to earn it. I think it may be more difficult to accept the gift of grace from a perfect love, than to try and understand it.

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Sometimes when I'm by myself, walking around town or something, i like to pretend that I am just wandering around and have no home to speak of. I like to wonder what it would be like to know no certainty of provision. Not that I have an absolute certainty of provision, but I at least have that illusion, and feeling of security in my life. I wonder, what would it be like to give up this laptop that I am typing on, the cell phone that I--most of the time--unconsciously rely so heavily upon. How would I deal with the feeling of not having a warm shower to run to each morning, dry clothes to change into when the ones I have on get rained on and muddy, accessories like my iPod or record player, air conditioning/heat when the weather is hot/cold, a backyard where I can make a bonfire and invite friends over? How would I live differently in this situation? I feel like my life would have more meaning; like I would think more about other people than myself. Many times I feel more attracted to that life than this one. And yet here I sit. I have all of these things still. I still take advantage of my luxuries and put too much dependence on them. But I don't have to. Just because I own something doesn't mean I have to live my life based around it. It doesn't have to control my thoughts and actions.

That's all I guess. It was on my mind. Might as well share it, right?