NO Stalgia

Currently listening to: Drugs or Me by Jimmy Eat World


I finally made it down to West Plains to see my family on Monday. It's always good to get to see them, but it doesn't usually take a long time to be ready to go back. I am reaching that point now.

It's not because I get tired of being around them. I really do enjoy my family. But one of my problems is that I have a difficult time bridging the gap between past and present. For most, if not all, of my life I have basically sectioned off the different parts of my life. It's like in school, when there are different semesters, or years. We tend to relate things that happened back to those certain segments.

For me, it has been...about...six years since I really consider myself to have lived at home. Every time I have gone back since then, there has been a weird feeling in my stomach, of distant familiarity, past memories, not being able to relate to anything...It's like I'm visiting a ghost town, imagining what it used to be like to be a part of that community; except I have the actual memories of what it was like, but for some reason they are a bit unnerving.

I am a beast for nostalgia. It is one thing I know I shouldn't dwell on, but sometimes it can completely alter my state of mind, depending on what it is.

One thing about coming home that I look forward to, but that also is the cause of pain and wishing for the past is seeing my brother (for those who don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to elaborate, sorry. Just know that one of my brothers is not making the best decisions in life right now).

He's been caught up in his way of life for several years now--or at least the progression that got him to the place where he's at now--but for me it's still all new. I haven't been around him much. I still remember when he looked up to me and wanted to do things that I was doing. When I'm around him I feel awkward and I don't know what to say. I don't know the guy that I see.

I know people change, and they aren't what they were when they were young. I'm not the same person either, but I don't like his change. It's not who he could be..who he should be.

I'm going to get coffee with him later today, and I'm nervous about it. I have no idea how to talk to him, how to relate any part of my life to his.

Sorry for such an unhappy post when I finally do put one up. I just wanted to get this off my chest. If anybody reads this post today...or really any day I guess, I could use prayer about this, and so could he.

Thanks.